Last night as I closed my eyes I thought back to the other time I was put to bed.
That was 23 years ago.
Mackenzi was eager to make her debut, but it wasn’t time … bedrest for 5 weeks.
It was Ryan, Coop and me. Then and Now.
It was hard to be still and let Ryan do all the heavy lifting. And Coop - just 2 ½ - had no way of understanding. But each night, he’d crawl in bed with me and we’d watch a movie.
(there’s less cuddling now, but we still watch movies)
Cooper hated going to sleep alone. We tried everything. Pete. An aquarium. Music. Books. So many books. But he just didn’t like the closing his eyes alone part. Still doesn’t.
One night late in the 4th week, Ryan put Coop to bed and then joined a friend for a walk. I was downstairs.
Sometime later - I was on the couch - and Coop was at the top of the stairs.
Just one wall, 27 stairs and an ocean between us.
“Mommy?”
“Yes, sweet boy, are you ok?”
“I’m scared. I’m all alone.”
“Do you have Key?”
“Yes.”
“Are Key and Petey with you?”
“I have Key. Petey is here.”
“Then you’re not alone. Can you take Key and climb back in bed? Petey will go with you. Daddy will be home soon.”
“I need you.”
“I know, but I can’t come to you right now.”
“I’m sad.”
“Me too.”
“I’m going to sleep right here with Petey and Key.”
“Ok. I’m sorry.”
“Mommy, I’m scared.”
“So am I, Coop. So am I.”
“Can you sing the baseball song?”
“Yes. I can sing the baseball song.”
So I sang.
Soon, his cries slowed then stopped. I couldn’t hear him, but I knew Pete was with him.
My tears were fast and furious as I realized that I would never be able to take all his fears away nor really do anything more than sing him to sleep.
When Ryan came home, he found me all cried out. And at the top of the stairs, behind the baby gate we’d placed for precisely this, he found a little boy and a golden retriever, curled up together with a disintegrating blankie named Key.
I hadn’t relived that memory in years.
But yesterday, as Ryan and Cooper - now 25 1/2 - “discussed” Cooper’s next steps, I thought of that night.
23 years later, I’m again a stairway away…
-Juli-
PS
I know you’re trying to teach me things, Candace, but I’m not a fan right now.
Oh JULI!!! I LOVE THIS! (And Hate CandASS!).